Depression washed over me at 10 years old. It lasted until my early 20s. Hopelessness, grief, apathy, suicidal ideation/planning, lethargy, panic attacks, social anxiety, body dysmorphia, violent fantasies, manic thoughts, self-loathing. I hated myself so much that I tried clawing my skin off so I could escape myself. I cried myself to sleep every night. I moaned and screamed in silence, feeling utterly alone, not wanting to confide the full extent of my experience to another soul. I feared being ostracized, locked away in a hospital--or worse, seen as a burden.
I didn’t kill myself because my religious upbringing taught me that I’d go to hell if I did. Instead, I repeatedly choked myself to the point of passing out until my heart beat arrhythmically and I forgot who I was. I fantasized about dying in various traumatic ways or going into a medically induced coma forever. Then, the thought of forever sent me into a panic. Apeirophobia.
At age 19, I decided to try to like myself, not knowing how. I followed the meager breadcrumbs of my intuition. Through grace and various sustained changes in my lifestyle, habits, relationships, attitude, etc.--the heaviness gradually lifted. At age 24, I looked in the mirror one day and realized I loved myself. I wept.
I feel so different now. Generally calm and content. Finding joy and beauty everywhere. Moving through emotions with grace. I love life. I love myself. It is hard for me to believe where I’ve come from.
If you’ve experienced or currently experience any of what I’ve described, I’m so sorry for your pain. I see you. I honor you. I love you. My heart is with you. Rest here. Fall apart in my embrace.
Please know, that even when everything inside you says otherwise, things can and do get better. You are healing. You are immaculate. You are a diamond. You are so worthy of your inevitable transformation. You are unfolding perfectly.
When you are in the deepest recesses of darkness, may you feel the warm embrace of countless angel wings. You have infinite support. I promise you that.
With all my love,
Gaia Sophia
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