*Names have been changed
Shawn* is the first soul mate I have ever dated. Our hearts recognized each other immediately. We professed our love to each other three weeks into meeting, basking in the wonder of a love so deep and whole, and a familiarity so profound. I didn’t ever want to get married; he convinced me otherwise in less than five minutes. We said we wouldn’t announce the engagement for several years, so as not to alarm our families. I told my mom anyways. She gave me her blessing and has called Shawn “son” ever since.
“The purpose of meeting and engaging with a soul mate is to create a two-way relationship that refines, sculpts, and shapes the other individual into becoming more of him- or herself…Soul mates continually present a mirror to us so we may peel away distortions to find our inner completeness…they teach each other how to love themselves and then how to love each other. Soul mates will literally serve one another for years as they both learn and experience how to embody unconditional love.” (Anaiya Sophia, “Sacred Sexual Union”)
I have never grown so much in relationship; I had never had a partner consciously dance with me in transformation. I am deeply honored to dance with Shawn.
Back in September 2018, almost three years into our relationship, we had a conversation that turned our world upside down. As Shawn grew deeper into himself, he acknowledged an aching in his bones. The aching was a need to travel for an extended period of time (or indefinitely), knowing there would be keys in his travels that would help bring himself into wholeness. I felt the truth of it immediately. I knew this was his soul path. I also knew that it was not my path. And so, we mutually recognized that we would separate at the time of his departure, in order to support each other in reaching our Highest potential. You know the soul path when you feel it; and you honor it.
We cried in each other’s arms like children. We mourned the future life we had built together in our minds. We mourned the fantasies of looking into our children’s eyes. We mourned the possibility of getting back together in the future, knowing that if we secretly pined for this outcome, we would not fully live in the present moment. We grieved it all.
It was 2 a.m. and I needed to leave for the airport by 4a.m.
I sobbed inconsolably for about six hours and at some point, wandering the halls of Salt Lake City airport, I had this thought: What would I want to do in this moment if Shawn and I were spending the rest of our lives together? Love him fully and grow together. What would I want to do in this moment if one of us were to die tomorrow? Love him fully and grow together. What would I want to do in this moment if we separated a year from now? Love him fully and grow together. My tears stopped in bewilderment. The goal was always the same in the present moment. Nothing had really changed, though everything had changed. Suddenly, this tragedy seemed like a beautiful opportunity to practice coming back to center–to find peace in the present moment, always. I felt peace even in the grieving, and the beauty of the experience astonished me.
Since that time, Shawn has purchased a plane ticket to leave for Romania in June. He’ll be teaching at a summer camp for three months. He’ll then babysit for a family in Italy for three months, and then he’ll teach English at a school in Ukraine for three months. And who knows what from there! I am so, so proud of him.
Weeks before our conversation in September, my dear friend said, “We forget that we can let go, in love.” The phrase rang in my ears incessantly, inspiring me to write, “They say true love is forever. And it’s true. But that doesn’t mean the partnership always persists. We forget that we can let go, in love.” Little did I know that I was foreshadowing our own life lesson. Thank you, Shawn, for daring to embody this truth with me.
To my beloved Shawn:
Thank you for teaching me about unconditional love. Thank you for sharing a love so deep, it is untouched by outside circumstance. Thank you for honoring your soul journey and thus honoring my own. Thank you for radically trusting the Universe with me, for knowing that all is in perfect alignment in each moment; for knowing that we will be brought together (or not) in whichever ways fulfill our Highest potential; for remembering that we can let go, in love. Thank you for walking with me. I love you.
**This post was originally written in spring of 2019. Shawn has since departed on his travels and we agreed to not contact each other for at least 6 months, to give each other space to transition into the next phase of our lives. Now, in August 2019, I continue to feel peace regarding our separation. Many new insights have arrived regarding love and loss, which I will share in future blog posts.
Love always,
Gaia Sophia
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