In the 2nd year of my PhD program, we had to take an ethics course. I was so excited to critically analyze how we do things in science.
Much to my horror, I watched silently as, issue after issue, my brilliant colleagues simply repeated the arguments we had been taught throughout our education. There was no analysis. No looking with fresh eyes.
On the last day of the course, we were discussing animal research. Again, the rehearsed arguments fell out of everyone's mouths--
"We use the animals with the simplest nervous system for the task. We kill animals humanely. Animals don't feel pain or emotion the same way humans do." Etc, etc.
I felt like I was going to explode.
After everyone finished speaking, I raised my hand for the first time all term, and proceeded to soap box until the very end of class.
My speech went something like this:
"A child can see the blatant contradiction in saying that animals do not feel pain the same way humans do, while simultaneously using those same animals to study human pain perception (since, you know, they're so biologically similar to us). We have not scrutinized our ethics at all; I've watched everyone this entire term simply regurgitate the arguments we've been taught to recite to the general public, to justify what we do. We do this because we want to be accepted by the scientific community. To say anything different is to risk being ostracized. At the end of the day, people are just trying to support themselves and their families, so they say whatever they need to say to fit in and keep their job. People don't want to tarnish their reputations. Let's at least call this out for what it is and stop pretending that we're over here analyzing ethics."
Silence.
And then, a standing ovation. Literally. My professor and classmates stared at me with admiration.
As I began walking back to my lab, my professor skipped up next to me.
"You had a lot to say in there," he smirked with a wink in his eyes and scurried off.
A gaggle of male colleagues surrounded me, with reverence.
"What you said in there--wow!"
They looked dumbfounded yet inspired. I smiled, excited that my message had seemed to strike a chord in people.
But alas, as we parted ways, they entered their labs and continued their work in much the same way. I watched everyone return to business as usual.
It was at that moment that I realized I could no longer be surrounded by brilliant people who simply obeyed the status quo. I could no longer do work that didn't fully align with my values. For this and several other reasons, I decided to leave the program.
At the time, it was the most frightening decision I could make. My entire identity had been consumed by academia. Who was I, if not an academic? What else would I do?
I jumped, not knowing the answers to these questions, and then my life became more beautiful than I ever could have imagined.
May you always listen to your gut. May you always follow whatever feels aligned and true for you in each and every moment--no matter what anyone else thinks, no matter how you do or do not fit in, no matter how much fear or doubt you feel inside. May you follow whatever path makes your heart sing, wherever it may lead you. And may your life overflow with joy, playfulness, beauty, and fulfillment now and forever.
With all my love,
Gaia Sophia
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