This blog post is written in response to a podcast I listened to recently. A couple was discussing how men on social media were confused by the idea that you could penetrate a woman without intercourse. I knew immediately what was meant by that phrase, and I recount here my experience of being penetrated beyond love-making.
*Name has been changed.
I remember Tanner* and I’s first date. We laid in the grass of my favorite park all day, talking. He had picked me fresh fruit from the neighborhood trees, which I happily munched on as we chatted. We gazed into each other’s eyes for who-knows how long, and massaged our cheeks because they ached from smiling so much. We strolled through rhododendron gardens and lush forest. I hugged his arm as we wandered, and I could feel him shaking with nerves. He admitted his anxiety and confessed that he had Googled “conversation topics to have on a romantic date”–which we did in fact happen to touch on throughout the evening. Butterflies raged in our bellies like middle schoolers, and I was smitten.
I’ve developed a keen intuition over the years, and I had the sense that Tanner and I’s union would be short-lived, but profound. Focusing on the “short-lived” aspect of my premonition, I wondered if I should really give the relationship a chance. I consulted my spirit guides, oracle deck, and angel numbers that repeatedly revealed themselves to me, and the cumulative response could be summarized as “Dear God, we understand you’re hesitant, but just give the man a chance!” So I opened my heart and jumped.
Tanner surprised me in the most beautiful ways. As a self-identified hillbilly from the Midwest, with no prior knowledge of the metaphysical topics I breathed and lived, I did not expect Tanner to handle me so well. He didn’t bat an eye when I mentioned my angels, faerie/dragon allies, or conversations with plant spirits. He enjoyed the smells of the sage and Palo Santo I burned. He loved spending hours together in nature, crouched by rivers and waterfalls, silently drinking in the peace around us. He closed his eyes and smiled sweetly as I played my singing bowl and hummed lullabies; when I paused, he looked up at me and whispered, “I love you.” He even adored my plant-based, whole foods cooking–which contrasted greatly with his typical diet of meat sticks, cheese, and crackers.
What struck me the most about Tanner was his ability to be so incredibly present with me. He never checked his phone when we hung out. We didn’t watch Netflix or movies. We weren’t going out to spectacular concerts or events. It was just us, and we were so in-the-moment with each other. We weren’t even lost in love-making, as I’d told him that I only wanted to engage with sexuality if we did so in a very conscious, intentional manner. [He agreed to work through a sacred sexuality book with me, which was mostly non-sexy-time exercises, and we were waiting for it to arrive in the mail.] So most of our time was spent eye-gazing, smiling, and listening to one another.
In my past experiences with men, a lack of sex resulted in my sensing the man’s frustration, or animalistic lusty drive–an obsessive wanting. What shocked me about Tanner was that he displayed none of this behavior. He felt cool as a cucumber. I commented on this enigma and he said, “Oh, trust me, it’s there.” Well, he said it was there, but I’m extremely sensitive to vibes and I can tell you not one ounce of sexual energy leaked from his field. I had heard tales of men being able to energetically contain themselves, but had never witnessed it first-hand. Needless to say, I was beyond impressed.
Then there was the day I will never forget. I had been laying on Tanner’s bed, and as we drifted into a long silence, he began to touch me. But he didn’t just touch me. He savored me. He never once contacted my breasts or yoni, but he delicately caressed every other inch of my body. His fingertips glided through my hair…along my face…down my arms, belly, and legs. He explored the spaces between my every finger…the crevice within every line of my palm…the edges around every curve of my lips. For three hours, he touched me. It was as if he had wandered into the jungle, and a jaguar had sauntered up to him, stopping but a hair’s breadth away. He stroked me as though I were a wild, powerful creature that he had the utmost privilege to share space with–his every movement and every look overflowed with reverence, respect, awe, and gratitude. At some point, he breathed, “You are a goddess.”
“Have you ever used that word before?”
“No, never–but clearly, it’s what you are.”
My heart bloomed open in a way I never knew possible, and the sudden expansion in my chest brought tears to my eyes. I had never in my life been gifted with such a level of attentiveness. And what’s more, there was not the slightest feeling of lust or sexual wanting from Tanner. No expectation for “more.” Just pure adoration.
I realize in retrospect, that Tanner penetrated me more deeply on that day than intercourse ever could have.
Tanner and I did indeed have a brief union and separated several months later (the reason for which I will write about in a future blog post). But I realize why all the signs pointed to me giving the relationship a chance.
I learned that the most unsuspecting of characters can gift us with unsurpassed beauty; I am eternally grateful to Tanner for blessing me with such profound presence and honoring me for the Goddess I am.
May all your relationships radiate with such respect and awe-inspired being.
With all my love,
Gaia Sophia
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