Years ago, I sat at my desk at a beautiful university in the Pacific Northwest, in a laboratory dedicated to cutting edge Neuroscience research. I had just opened the email congratulating me on reaching doctoral candidacy, meaning I had completed all necessary coursework and exams, and now needed to complete my dissertation to earn my PhD.
I thought I would have felt excited. Yet all I felt was a deep aching in my bones that I was on the wrong path.
How could that be? My whole life, I had excelled in academia–dripping in awards and accolades. I mastered how to operate within the walls of the institution, and I received constant praise for my work. Becoming a research professor seemed like a perfect way for me to stay in this world forever.
The problem was, research left me feeling empty. My soul light had been dimming at an alarming rate and the only thing that kept me afloat was my position as a teaching assistant. I loved teaching. I had a knack for taking difficult concepts and making them accessible. I lived for my students’ “Aha!” moments. But soon, I’d be a full-time researcher, and would need to endure four more years of soul-numbing work just to attain my degree, nevermind the post-doctoral research I’d need to do after graduating, as well as the constant research I’d need to do to maintain a successful lab at a university. All this research–all this work that left me feeling empty–just to do the one thing that gave me life: teach.
My gut told me I needed to leave the program, but my mind screamed “No!” Academia had been my whole life. It was all I knew and I did it well. I had followed the societal prescription for a successful life. And yet, I sank into a deep depression and my body ailed; I experienced intermittent fevers of unknown cause, focal seizures, migraines, chronic fatigue, and constant nausea.
So, without having any idea of what I would do next with my life, I met with the head of my committee and told him I wanted to leave the program. He tried to convince me to stay, highlighting my intelligence and potential. I interrupted him.
“No, no. It’s not that I don’t think I’m capable. It’s that I’m not happy.”
“Well, then, let’s get you out of here.”
Within the year, I completed a thesis and graduated with a Master of Science. I stepped off that campus, never intending to step foot in another laboratory (or on another campus) ever again, rendering my degree but a consolation prize. Who was I now, if not an academic?
I walked away feeling simultaneously weightless from letting go of that which I knew dimmed my soul light, and also heavy with the density of the unknown. I collapsed by a tree and sobbed with my back against the moss-soaked bark.
Suddenly, I felt overwhelming elation in my chest and an ethereal buzzing throughout my skin. All the colors brightened. Everything around me, even the stones, vibrated with aliveness, and a translucent shimmering light connected everything around me. I began dramatically awakening to the world of Spirit. And I suddenly wanted nothing more than to cultivate myself into the most loving version of myself as possible.
Since that day, I have delved deeply into my soul work–reprogramming myself away from self-limiting beliefs and toxic patterns and towards empowering truths and self-love. I have followed what makes my heart sing, and over five years later, my life becomes more and more magical every day. I realized that Life is my teacher, and the Universe my ally and playground. I have received and embodied insights that have allowed me to cultivate a fulfilled, peaceful life–and I wish to share these insights with you. That is why I started Healing with Words. To share the wisdom that lives in all of us, so that we might heal ourselves and the planet.
Over the last few years, I have learned the power of storytelling; stories carry medicine. Sometimes I offer you stories from my life, so that they might assist you on your journey. Perhaps something in those stories will stir you into your own Remembering. Take what resonates and leave the rest. Oh yes, and don’t believe a word I say. You are your own best teacher.
Thank you for taking the time to read these offerings. May these words soothe you, inspire you, nourish you, and light your soul fire. I love you.
Love always,
Gaia Sophia
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